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45.5 Steps to success. How to effectively nail your job interview on the first or second try.

So you finally got that big job interview you’ve been dreaming of. Well, before you rush in there and ruin everything like an idiot, there are a few things you should consider. As someone who has been through literally thousands of job interviews, I think I’ve learned a thing or two (potentially three) about what to do (firm hand shake) and what not to do (murder). If you follow these simple 45 steps you will finally land your dream job, take it from me, the night manager of custodial duties at a little place called Arby’s, ever heard of it? Exactly.

Step 1: Don’t be nervous. Any sign of nerves is a sign of weakness. Relax, be yourself and try to have fun, it’s only an interview that will change the immediate course of the rest of your life, or until your get fired for stealing cummerbunds from Men’s Warehouse (who ratted me out, Jim? WTF Jim?!?).

Step 2: Be punctual. There are two schools of thought on this, if you are going to be early, be really early, I recommend camping outside the night before. This shows commitment and ensures you’ll be on time, plus camping is fun, and it’ll be nice to not have to sleep in your car for a change. If you insist on being late, be fashionably late, show up 15-20 minutes after the interview is scheduled, casually skateboard into their office with your boom box blaring “Taking Care of Business”, lower your sunglasses, and say, “Sup boss,” dismount your skateboard, reach out your hand for a handshake, and then retract at the last second to slick your hair back. This shows you play by your own rules, AND that you know how to skateboard. This will come in handy if you are applying for a job that demands skateboarding skills. Remember: the most important part of being late is being fashionable; wear your coolest helmet and knee-pads.

Step 3: Make direct eye contact at all times, much like a serial killer would. Try not to blink the entire interview. Be sure to include a few fun flirty winks though.

; )

Step 4: Compliment the family photo the interviewer has on their desk, ask how their kids are doing, but don’t reveal that you already know how they’re doing. Don’t ask what’s wrong with their spouses face; some questions are better to save for when you’re hired (hint: it’s a goiter).

Step 5: Try to avoid breaking down and crying during the interview. It’s important to show other adults that you can go for more than 30 minutes without and emotional meltdown. Practice at home in front of a mirror!

Step 6: Be a good guest. Make them feel comfortable. Offer them your jacket if they look cold (offer them your fedora if they don’t look cool at all). Ask if they want a glass of water, coffee, pizza rolls, etc. Make sure to bring a glass of water, cup of coffee, and fresh pizza rolls to the interview.

Step 7: No Spoilers, Don’t reveal the ending to recent popular movies or TV series (Ross and Rachel were on a break!) 

Step 8: If they ask where you see yourself in 5 years, don’t say, “dying alone” even if you know it’s true. It’s okay to pad the truth a little, respond with, “definitely not dying alone” instead, or “playing in the NBA.” This shows you are ambitious, and possibly really good at basketball, which is important for any job, but especially if you are applying for the NBA, WNBA, or YWCA.

Step 9: Try not to raise your voice, yell or scream at the interviewer. This one sounds way easier than it actually is (fuck you Jim!).

Step 10: When they ask you your greatest strength, be sure to have a few answers ready like: Juggling (demonstrate with fragile items from their desk), award winning smile (smile big), average intelligence (blank stare), calligraphy (be sure to look up what calligraphy is) or if you’re like me: abs, calves, biceps, delts.  If you don’t have any standout strengths, be creative, having a pleasant or inoffensive odor could be considered a strength, same goes for an extreme tolerance for loneliness.

Step 11: No Bullying (this includes cyber bulling, trolling, and catfishing).

Step 12: When they ask you your greatest weakness, pick a weakness that you can’t really be blamed for, peanut allergy is a good one (bee allergy shows too much weakness).  Avoid weaknesses like “I don’t know how to work” or, “I am terrible at working” or, “I refuse to work here”.

Step 13: Keep your shirt on, no matter how hot and sweaty you get. If the interview goes well, feel free to take off your shirt in celebration as you exit.

Step 14: Often times an interviewer won’t even bring up how much you can bench, so I either include it on my resume, or go out of my way to casually mention it in conversation. Example: in the summer of 2013 I was an intern at H and R Block and I can bench 150lbs (without crying).

Step 15: Don’t ask for a lot of big favors during the interview. If you need a ride to the airport or someone to help you move, wait till AFTER the interview (is it cool if I just crash here tonight?)
 
Step 16: Don’t answer your cell phone, car phone, or satellite phone during the interview. This includes playing games on your cell phone or taking selfies while the interviewer is talking (definitely no dick pics or vag pics). If you absolutely must look at your phone, say, “I have to look at my stocks real quick”, then pretend you are looking at your stocks while you change your status update to: Crushing this job interview. (Only 2 likes, WTF?!)

Step 17: They say don’t bring a knife to a gunfight; I would extend this adage to job interviews. Leave your knife in the car or hide it in a bush outside.

Step 18: It is important to look the part. If you are a man, wear a suit and tie (try wearing two or three ties to show just how serious you are), if you are a woman, wear a fancy gown and tiara (maybe throw on a few ties too). Bring a brief case to appear more professional. Remember: Don’t fill the suitcase with liquids, explosives or hazardous materials. Brief cases can often leak or easily explode; this won’t appear very professional or safe.

Step 19: Cleavage, Cleavage, Cleavage. Show the goods. 50% of a resume is on your chest whether you’re male or female or anything in between.

Step 20: Comment on how nice the interviewer looks but don’t be overly complimentary, avoid comparisons to large animals or mammals, “You look like a sea manatee in that dress”, although obviously meant as a compliment, might somehow be misinterpreted in an interview setting (they’re the most majestic creatures of the sea, lighten up Jim!).

Step 21: Have a few tricks up your sleeve, employers love magic.

Step 22: No Littering. If you must throw garbage on the floor during the interview, make sure to pick it up on your way out.

Step 23: Don’t get too comfortable. No redecorating, smoking or trying to fix things (you start adjusting a crooked painting, next thing you know the whole building is on fire). Also, be sure not leave any embarrassing or incriminating things behind (personal diaries, finger prints, murder weapons etc.).

Step 23.5: No smoking? I know what you’re thinking; smoking looks cool, calms my nerves and gives me false confidence. I couldn’t agree more, that’s why about halfway through the interview, I discretely put a big dip of chewing tobacco in my mouth. This should give you a nice buzz to ride until the interview is over. If not, put more in. Be sure to bring something to spit in, I always use an empty 20oz Diet Mt. Dew bottle, make sure that it’s Diet, makes you seem health conscious.

Step 24: No passing notes (Do you wanna hire me? Yes, No, Maybe).

Step 25: Everybody loves a good prank. However, is a job interview the right place for playing a hilarious prank? It’s tough to say, and it’s a high stakes game. Use your best judgment, but I think it’s safe to say a prank is a good idea. Remember, some people like getting pranked more than others. But can you really pass up a great opportunity for a classic prank? (no).

Step 26: Live in the moment. 

Step 27: Be creative. A job interview is a perfect opportunity to show off your creative side. Think outside the box, what’s never been done in an interview before? Try that. Show up on stilts, show your patriotism with a few fireworks, bring you cat (s), wear more than one suit, wear a funny hat, gauge your ears really big, bring a nice gift, these people interview a lot of candidates, you need to stick out. That prank is sounding better and better every second.

Step 28: Hygiene is important. Take a nice long bath 3 or 4 days before the interview.

Step 29: A lot of people ask me, “Is a job interview a good place to break-dance?” Of course it is. An interview is a time for you to showcase your talents. If you can break-dance, break-dance your heart out. Do the worm around their desk until you cannot breathe. Set yourself apart from all the other candidates that don’t know how to break-dance, or aren’t quite as good as you.

Step 30: Can’t break-dance? Tough luck getting hired in this economy, even so, try something else, if you know a good joke, tell an off colored non-racial joke, if you can make balloon animals, make them several of their favorite animal, never tried break-dancing? Maybe you’re really good at it, give it a shot.

Step 31: Be sure to get a nice solid base tan before the interview, this goes without saying.

Step 32: If you get nervous, pretend the interviewer is in their underwear. If for some reason they are in their underwear, imagine them in YOUR underwear. Still nervous? Fake a seizure and call it a day.

Step 33: Soak it all in. Look around, it will all be over before you know it.

Step 34: If it’s a job interview you got from Craigslist, make sure it is in a safe location. Don’t agree to meet up in the sewers at midnight for some job that sounds too good to be true. Trust me, there’s no such thing as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Internship, and yes, it stinks down there (I trusted you Jim!).

Step 35: So your interviewer is a very attractive woman. No biggie, don’t sweat it. Try not to accidentally call her mom. If you do call her mom, act like you call everyone mom. (I love you Mom!)

Step 36: Leave a good tip (15-20%). Staple a few dollars to the back of the resume to show your appreciation. Service was terrible? No tip! With a party of six or more? Well, then your stuck with an automatic 18% and that’s just the way it goes.

Step 37: If the interview isn’t going well, ask to settle it over arm wrestling. Be sure you are really good at arm wrestling beforehand.

Step 38: If the interviewer makes a joke, be sure to laugh extra hard, if you have anything in your mouth, spit it out, water, milk, tobacco, etc. Bonus if you can get it to come out of your nose.

Step 39: YOLO

Step 40: Cover up any visible inappropriate tattoos. Don’t wear a tank top if you have a giant tattoo of a snake smoking salvia on your shoulder.

Step 40.5 But I look really good in tank tops! No problem, just wear a stylish turtleneck under your favorite tank.

Step 41: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. (I hate you Jim, that job mean everything to me!!!)

Step 42: Make sure your resume is up to date. Show you are tech savvy by including a wide variety of emojis (Under experience you put down an emoji of a girl in a red dress? You’re hired!).

Step 43: Try to avoid eating full meals during the interview.

Step 43.5: If you absolutely must eat during the interview, and you probably will, bring the right snack. Chips are too noisy, party subs are too big, pistachios are distracting, and sunflower seeds are too messy (unless you still have your spitting bottle handy, if so, then spit away). If not, then a banana is probably your best bet. It is a great source of potassium so you won’t cramp up (especially after all that break dancing). Plus, a banana doesn’t have a noisy wrapper, just peel it very slowly. Slower. Also, unlike noisy potato chips, the banana is flaccid, moist, and easy to swallow whole. In fact, I recommend slowly consuming 4-5 bananas during every interview, it shows you can afford lots of bananas and they could come in handy for your prank.

Step 44: Location, Location, Location. Make sure your tie is in the right location (around your neck).

Step 45: Make eye contact, or eye glasses, whichever the job requires.

Step 45.5: Accept defeat. So you didn’t get hired, big deal, that job was stupid and it wasn’t for you. They wouldn’t know a qualified candidate if it bit them in the ass (or slapped their ass repeatedly). Oh well, there are plenty more jobs in the sea (boat captain, pirate, manatee etc.). Don’t get down on yourself, being unemployed is fun, and before you know it we’ll all be dead anyway, especially without health insurance (see you in hell Jim!).

This is why we can’t have nice things.

This is why we can’t have nice things.

My First Online Dating Experience

Walking side by side on the beach, the sun gently setting in the west, we reach out to hold each other’s hands, our hearts start racing, nervously shaking and palms sweating, our heads turn and our eyes meet, a shy smile, we both blush, I have an impure thought, a swarm of bats fly over head, she screams, a black cat walks in front of us, it’s head spins 360 degrees around as it lets out a terrifying low-pitch sound, she cries and runs away, we both contract painful STDs and die alone.

I never hear from her again : (

madelinebestesart:

612 in B + W

Our city has never looked better. Thanks madelinebestesart!

madelinebestesart:

612 in B + W

Our city has never looked better. Thanks madelinebestesart!

Reblogged from madelinebestesart
madelinebestesart:

stone arch bridge in minneapolis

Sooooo pretty.

madelinebestesart:

stone arch bridge in minneapolis

Sooooo pretty.

Reblogged from madelinebestesart
madelinebestesart:

meanwhile
in the outskirts of mpls

This is by my favorite artist of all time. Follow her and check out her other amazing work!

madelinebestesart:

meanwhile

in the outskirts of mpls

This is by my favorite artist of all time. Follow her and check out her other amazing work!

My Perfect Funeral

A lot of girls day dream about their perfect wedding, the perfect dress (wedding), the perfect flowers (pretty), the perfect first song (Cotton Eye Joe), and the perfect shuffle board (regulation size).  They have every little detail planned out before they even meet Mr. Right or Mrs. Wright. I’ve never cared much for weddings (I’m terrible at shuffle board), but if I ever do meet someone, I’d like a small modest ceremony on a tropical beach and to be airlifted by a helicopter off into the sunset. But I don’t know if I’ll ever get married (always a bridesmaid), but one thing I know for sure is (weather permitting), I’m going to die someday, and when I do it’s going to be perfect (no longer the pallbearer, finally the corpse). 
Because when you die, you get a funeral, and you can’t spell funeral without out Real Fun, and if you can make an anagram out of a word, it has to be true.

When you think about it, funerals are a lot like a wedding, only with more crying, less dancing, and someone you loved has died. But death is nothing to fear. I wasn’t afraid of being born, so why should I be afraid to be unborn? No matter what the afterlife holds, it has to be better than my mom’s cramped uterus, give me my dad’s testicles any day of the week! When I die, I think I will be ready, I’ll be like, okay I guess I’m dying, big deal, peace out earth, then I’ll float up to heaven looking cool as hell wearing nothing but my soul (weather permitting).

But before my soul can truly be at peace, I have to have the PERFECT funeral. I can see it now, all my friends will be gathered there just for me! Nobody’s going to steal my thunder today, I’ll say to my dead self. Everyone will be super sad and all eyes will be on me, and with the extra 50 bucks that I tip the mortician, hopefully they will make me look like a million ($50) bucks. As my Will stipulates, I want one of my eyes glued down, so it looks like I’m winking, I want my lips pursed together making the duck face, and maybe have my hands propped up doing finger guns or one reaching out for a pound, the other a high five, still haven’t decided yet. 

As many of you know, it has always been my dream to be cremated, but because of my fear of burning skulls, I will only have my bottom torso cremated, that way I can still have an open casket, and I can fill the bottom half of the casket with some of my prized possessions, my high school wrestling jacket, my high school wrestling trophies, and my college wrestling participation ribbons. I would like half of my ashes to be spread (use a knife) over the top of my grave plot, the other half I would like to be placed inside of a pinata that looks like me. The pinata should be hanging from the ceiling of the church and lowered down at the end of the ceremony for all the kids to take turns hitting with a bat (kids get bored at funerals), and I would like any remaining ashes to be stored in a special tray designed specifically for ashes (I forget what they’re called), please have this “ash tray” cremated on my one year death anniversary. Those ashes can be thrown away or recycled, doesn’t really matter to me, I’ll be dead. 

After my funeral pinata has been destroyed and the kids are done fighting over my ashes, it’s time for some magic. Every good funeral has a magician, please find the best one available as funeral magicians tend to vary in quality. The magician will also be lowered down from the church ceiling (ideally no one will notice he’s been hanging up there), it would be cool if there could be some fire shooting out of my casket for his entrance, just be sure my skull doesn’t start on fire! The magician will start with a joke, “I will know perform the most difficult trick of all, bringing this man back to life.” At that moment whoever is running sound will hit the button that triggers a spring in my coffin to propel my body upwards (oh yeah, make sure to install a button triggered spring in my coffin). This will be pretty funny because everyone loves magic, and some people might momentarily think I’ve came back to life (especially the children). After my body is placed back down, the magician will then saw my casket in half. If he wants to do it magically, that cools, or he can just saw my casket in half because I’m dead/don’t have a bottom torso, just be sure not to ding any of my trophies!

Hopefully the magic show will be a hit, if people look visibly upset, have him wrap up early. All that magic and or crying will definitely make people hungry. Instead of regular boring funeral food, I will serve spaghetti, I don’t really feel like I need to explain this one. It just makes sense. Please also put a plate of spaghetti in my coffin in case they don’t have spaghetti in the afterlife. 

Once everyone eats their fill of spaghetti (sorry, no seconds), I want my coffin to be wheeled back in and propped up vertically so people can take one last picture with me. There will hopefully be some fun photo props available, so get creative! Once you take a photo, people will be encouraged to sign my casket and also leave a small cash donation (dig deep people) directly into my coffin (in case they don’t take traveler’s checks in the afterlife). I will also have a merch booth set up here where people can buy commemorative t-shirts and coffee mugs from my funeral, they can also get their picture with the casket on a key chain for only $10! (what a deal!) This is high quality, limited edition merchandise people, take the shirt for example, Front of shirt reads: I Survived The FUNeral Service, Back of shirt: Unlike Some People! {picture of my corpse}. They make great gifts and are good for any occasion, especially other funerals. I’m really looking to sell a lot of merchandise, as my children’s future depends on it. 
 
Once all the merchandise is sold out, everyone will proceed to the graveyard. I have arranged for my tombstone to read, “YOLO” and next to it the Emoji that most resembles me at the time of my death, followed by the ghost Emoji, so people know that I’m dead. At this point I would like to have my parents say a few words about how cool I was as a son. Then my grandparents will probably want to say a few words, and then finally my great grand parents (if they can get off work) will tell a cool story about something great that I did during my life (if I haven’t done anything great, make something up). Then, and this next part is really important, I want Sting to sing Amazing Grace as my casket is lowered into the ground. If you can’t get Sting, please get The Police. If for some reason you can’t get all of The Police to reunite, just get Sting. As my casket is lowering, have the magician use his best judgement and maybe hit the spring button one more time, just to get my monies worth. Be sure to close my casket before pouring dirt on me! Once the dirt is set, everyone is free to go. Be sure to Like my funeral on Facebook, and use the Instagram hashtag #GoneButNotForgotten #NoFilter. Thanks for coming, and maybe I’ll see you in the afterlife!
 
*ABSOLUTELY NO REFUNDS ON FAULTY OR BROKEN MERCHANDISE

11 Surefire Ways to Punch Up Your Comedy Script

Writing a movie script is hard. Like really hard. Like, you are going to need at least a few hours and some really good concentration. Now you say you want that script to be funny, well, that’s going to be even harder pal (budget a few more hours). But with a few helpful tips, you can turn your boring movie about a professor, into a hilarious box office hit about a Nutty Professor.

1. It is important to develop a catch phrase that your main character will repeat throughout the film. It doesn’t necessarily have to be funny, but it has to be a phrase you can catch, like “Oh No you DIDN’T!” or “Dinner’s ready!”.  The more your character repeats it, the funnier it gets (also a great way to add some pages to the script). If you can’t think of your own catch phrase, just recycle a classic like, “Wasssssssssupppp?”, “Did I do that?” or “Welcome to Jurassic Park”. No one will even notice.

2. If nothing funny has happened for a few minutes, have one of the characters fart. Have the fart stink real bad, so it’s funnier. I know the audience can’t smell the fart (how funny would that be!), but by the characters reactions, we will know that it’s a real stinker. Maybe add some stink lines in post. But make sure it’s a real fart, no sound effects, impose some method acting, so you get a real performance, people can tell when it’s fake, and it’s just not as funny.


3. If you are running low on laughs/ideas, maybe add an animal to the script. Everybody loves animals, dogs, dolphins, monkeys, orangutangs, chimpanzees, gibbons, bonobos, apes, gorillas, etc.  Animals are cute, the scene writes it self, also, if you could have that animal fart, that would be hilarious. Be sure to pan to the animal’s face afterward and have the animal have a bewildered look on his face like, “what was that?” God that’s funny! There is really no cinematic effect quite as powerful as the tension breaking hilarity of an animal farting. Again, make sure the animal really farts, we’re not looking for cheap laughs, this is art.

4. Has your script hit a dull point? Not to worry, a sure fire way to get back on the laugh track is to apply a carefully choreographed shot to the groin of your film’s antagonist. There is literally nothing funnier than somebody taking a hit to the nuts. Especially if it’s to a disagreeable character. It’s funny because it is an unpleasant experience. Maybe have the character go cross eyed, then grab his groin, and fall over. Hahaha, can you imagine? It’s hilarity is universal, it transcends any language or cultural barrier. You see somebody get hit in the balls, you laugh, it’s what makes us human, it’s what separates us from the animals.


4.5 Speaking of animals, if you could have an animal kick a character in the testies, you might take home an Oscar. Again, the character really has to get hit in the nuts. No protection should be worn. There is nothing funny about protection. I want to hear the character’s testicles getting pounded. If the actor isn’t in pain, there is no comedic gain.


5. Have you written yourself into a corner? Do you need a new character to add some exposition and a few laughs? Well, you’re in luck, because there is nothing funnier than a man (get this) dressed up (wait for it) as a woman. Are you laughing yet? Well you should be, because having a man dress up as a woman is hilarious. Because men normally wear men’s clothes and act like men, but when you have a male character that dresses like a woman, it is a novelty that literally cannot run out of steam. Even Shakespeare would have young men play the female roles, because he understood comedy.


6. Three words: Fat suit. Fat Suit. Fat Suit. Have the character wear a fat suit. And I’m not talking about Average American fat, I’m talking about pushing 500 or 600lbs. That’s really fat. Comically fat you might say. Oh I’ll say it!


7. This ones simple: A guy, dressed as a girl, wearing a fat suit. Did I just shatter you funny bone? I’m sorry. A really really fat lady, but it’s a guy. LOL for sure!


8. Don’t let the film go more than a few minutes without a laugh. If people aren’t laughing, they’re bored. Even if the scene doesn’t call for it, or it doesn’t make sense, have something wacky happen. Have a bear dancing, have an old person rap, have a burglar get hit with a paint can. Don’t be lazy. Your movie is worth it.


9. Let’s face it, making a movie isn’t cheap (six bucks for a Medium Popcorn??), but that doesn’t mean you need a big budget for every laugh. I’m not entirely sure why this is funny, but have a white person who is talking to a black person say, “For shizzle.” White people don’t know what “For Shizzle” means, but black people do, that’s why this is so funny. Misinterpreting someone else’s culture is a time tested comedic gold mine.


10. Comedy is all in the timing, be sure to have a stop watch on set at all times.


11. They say tragedy + time = comedy for a reason. My mother died ten years ago, and now it’s hilarious (miss you Mom!). Why not poke fun at some tragedy that has passed. Reminder: it is very important that enough time has passed since the tragedy happened, for example the Civil War is funny, but the War on Drugs is not funny. The plague is super funny, but me getting a parking ticket last month is not funny at all. Use your best judgement.

See, that wasn’t so hard. Now you should have all the material you need for a cinematic masterpiece. I can hear the movie patrons ROTFL already. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you at the movies!

Had a pretty good Christmas this year.

Had a pretty good Christmas this year.

Everything you ever needed to know about sex in seven seconds (the length of one sex act).

Daddies make the best Mommies. 

Daddies make the best Mommies. 

And all those opposed to eating horse meat [Neigh!]

I dreamt about my appetite again last night, it was another whet dream.

My Last Will and Testament states that if I’m ever unable to jerk off, pull the plug. If there isn’t a plug, chop my head off.

I accidentally got my testicles caught in my zipper today. That’s the last time I wear boots with zippers!

I never peel my string cheese, I just stick it right up my butt as is.

This one is called: Love thy neighbor (Neighborhood Watch)

This one is called: Love thy neighbor (Neighborhood Watch)

This one is called: The grass is always greener

This one is called: The grass is always greener

This one is called: We need more power bottoms (argh, argh, argh)

This one is called: We need more power bottoms (argh, argh, argh)

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