Brain Cum



This one is called: Fight the Power

This one is called: Fight the Power

Life is like a box of chocolates, and I’m like a dog.

Everyone thinks dogs with three legs are cute, so why does everybody freak out when I start cutting one off.

I’m getting a tattoo on my bicep, it’s the Chinese symbol for barbed wire.

I don’t yell at my dog when he drinks out of the toliet, because I’m not a hypocrite.

Which game was better for Sega Genesis, NBA Jam or WNBA Layup?

This One is Called: Quit While You’re Ahead

This One is Called: Quit While You’re Ahead

My “Finger The Chef” apron already paid for itself!

I think my girlfriend is going into labor! She’s combing words together and replacing the missing letters with apostrophes, more frequently.

If my cell phone isn’t wearing a shirt or shoes, will it still get service?

I don’t think I’d be very good at kidnapping children, because I hate sharing my candy.

I bet the Continental breakfast used to be super before Pangaea broke up.

Me and comedian Derek Henkels Award Winning Documentary on Time.

Wow Mom, I don’t even recognize you without all the herpe sores.

My roommate just adopted a dog from the pound, and the dog has the same name as my girlfriend, so as you can imagine when she comes over there is some confusion, because now there’s two fat bitches named Precious there on all fours.

I once hooked up with two girls at the same time, but one of them was a little person, so I think technically it was a 2.5 some.

I lost my virginity on the night of senior prom, in the drunk tank showers after my DUI. It was just like I always imagined.

I love how certain songs can take you back to a very specific place and time in your life. Like every time I hear the song Love Shack by the B52’s I’m immediately transported back to that time I had sex with my neighbor in his tool shed. And every time I hear the song YMCA by the Village People, it reminds me of the YWCA in our village where I had sex with my neighbor in the shower. The power of music!

This one is called: Of Course I Do, Honey(moon phase is over).

This one is called: Of Course I Do, Honey(moon phase is over).

When you have a cold and you’re lonely, you go through a lot of tissues.

I forgot I had a red wine stain on my Planned Parenthood sweatpants, that’s probably why everyone at the liquor store was staring at me. Because I looked fabulous.

Why did that blind man puke after he touched my face?

None of my friends complimented me on my new haircut, why am I spending $20 on the “Ben Affleck,” if no ones even going to notice?!?!

My mom’s father doesn’t have to pay rent at our house, he got grandfathered in. Speaking of, Grandfathered Inn is my favorite motel to meet new friends from the internet.

Every four years we are blessed with one extra day of Shaq History Month. This is me performing my tribute to the king.

My dog puts a paper bag over my leg before he humps it : (

I turned down sex with a woman tonight; the porn I was watching was way too loud.

When you have a cold and you’re lonely, you go through a lot of tissues.

It may be dark and scary in my room, but at least I don’t have to sleep alone (there are ghosts in my bed).

I like my ice cubes like I like my hopes and dreams: crushed.

Watch me and comedian Derek Henkels award winning documentary on Friendship!

Loneliness, will you be my Valentine?

Valentine’s Day Shopping List:

1 White Versace Belt
6 Bottles of White Wine
5 Tubes of Extra Strength Lube.
1 Copy of Bridal Monthly
1 Copy of Ebony Magazine
1 Stepping Stool
1 Life Alert Bracelet
1 Autographed Copy of “Auto-erotic Asphyxiation for Dummies.”

This one is called: Just Friends

This one is called: Just Friends

You can beat your wife, but you can’t beat your alcoholism.

When my mom started working the night shift at CVS, I jokingly told her, “Don’t quit your day job,” because we desperately needed the income.

If only one person “likes” the photo of your newborn baby on Facebook, was it really worth having?

Sadly, prejudice is still part of society today. Did you know that in some countries, pregnant women still aren’t allowed to ride roller coasters?

I’m a painter. I mostly do nude paintings. For example, I painted my garage while I was completely naked.

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