So you finally got that big job interview you’ve been dreaming of. Well, before you rush in there and ruin everything like an idiot, there are a few things you should consider. As someone who has been through literally thousands of job interviews, I think I’ve learned a thing or two (potentially three) about what to do (firm hand shake) and what not to do (murder). If you follow these simple 45 steps you will finally land your dream job, take it from me, the night manager of custodial duties at a little place called Arby’s, ever heard of it? Exactly.
Step 1: Don’t be nervous. Any sign of nerves is a sign of weakness. Relax, be yourself and try to have fun, it’s only an interview that will change the immediate course of the rest of your life, or until your get fired for stealing cummerbunds from Men’s Warehouse (who ratted me out, Jim? WTF Jim?!?).
Step 2: Be punctual. There are two schools of thought on this, if you are going to be early, be really early, I recommend camping outside the night before. This shows commitment and ensures you’ll be on time, plus camping is fun, and it’ll be nice to not have to sleep in your car for a change. If you insist on being late, be fashionably late, show up 15-20 minutes after the interview is scheduled, casually skateboard into their office with your boom box blaring “Taking Care of Business”, lower your sunglasses, and say, “Sup boss,” dismount your skateboard, reach out your hand for a handshake, and then retract at the last second to slick your hair back. This shows you play by your own rules, AND that you know how to skateboard. This will come in handy if you are applying for a job that demands skateboarding skills. Remember: the most important part of being late is being fashionable; wear your coolest helmet and knee-pads.
Step 3: Make direct eye contact at all times, much like a serial killer would. Try not to blink the entire interview. Be sure to include a few fun flirty winks though.
Step 4: Compliment the family photo the interviewer has on their desk, ask how their kids are doing, but don’t reveal that you already know how they’re doing. Don’t ask what’s wrong with their spouses face; some questions are better to save for when you’re hired (hint: it’s a goiter).
Step 5: Try to avoid breaking down and crying during the interview. It’s important to show other adults that you can go for more than 30 minutes without and emotional meltdown. Practice at home in front of a mirror!
Step 6: Be a good guest. Make them feel comfortable. Offer them your jacket if they look cold (offer them your fedora if they don’t look cool at all). Ask if they want a glass of water, coffee, pizza rolls, etc. Make sure to bring a glass of water, cup of coffee, and fresh pizza rolls to the interview.
Step 7: No Spoilers, Don’t reveal the ending to recent popular movies or TV series (Ross and Rachel were on a break!)
Step 8: If they ask where you see yourself in 5 years, don’t say, “dying alone” even if you know it’s true. It’s okay to pad the truth a little, respond with, “definitely not dying alone” instead, or “playing in the NBA.” This shows you are ambitious, and possibly really good at basketball, which is important for any job, but especially if you are applying for the NBA, WNBA, or YWCA.
Step 9: Try not to raise your voice, yell or scream at the interviewer. This one sounds way easier than it actually is (fuck you Jim!).
Step 10: When they ask you your greatest strength, be sure to have a few answers ready like: Juggling (demonstrate with fragile items from their desk), award winning smile (smile big), average intelligence (blank stare), calligraphy (be sure to look up what calligraphy is) or if you’re like me: abs, calves, biceps, delts. If you don’t have any standout strengths, be creative, having a pleasant or inoffensive odor could be considered a strength, same goes for an extreme tolerance for loneliness.
Step 11: No Bullying (this includes cyber bulling, trolling, and catfishing).
Step 12: When they ask you your greatest weakness, pick a weakness that you can’t really be blamed for, peanut allergy is a good one (bee allergy shows too much weakness). Avoid weaknesses like “I don’t know how to work” or, “I am terrible at working” or, “I refuse to work here”.
Step 13: Keep your shirt on, no matter how hot and sweaty you get. If the interview goes well, feel free to take off your shirt in celebration as you exit.
Step 14: Often times an interviewer won’t even bring up how much you can bench, so I either include it on my resume, or go out of my way to casually mention it in conversation. Example: in the summer of 2013 I was an intern at H and R Block and I can bench 150lbs (without crying).
Step 15: Don’t ask for a lot of big favors during the interview. If you need a ride to the airport or someone to help you move, wait till AFTER the interview (is it cool if I just crash here tonight?)
Step 16: Don’t answer your cell phone, car phone, or satellite phone during the interview. This includes playing games on your cell phone or taking selfies while the interviewer is talking (definitely no dick pics or vag pics). If you absolutely must look at your phone, say, “I have to look at my stocks real quick”, then pretend you are looking at your stocks while you change your status update to: Crushing this job interview. (Only 2 likes, WTF?!)
Step 17: They say don’t bring a knife to a gunfight; I would extend this adage to job interviews. Leave your knife in the car or hide it in a bush outside.
Step 18: It is important to look the part. If you are a man, wear a suit and tie (try wearing two or three ties to show just how serious you are), if you are a woman, wear a fancy gown and tiara (maybe throw on a few ties too). Bring a brief case to appear more professional. Remember: Don’t fill the suitcase with liquids, explosives or hazardous materials. Brief cases can often leak or easily explode; this won’t appear very professional or safe.
Step 19: Cleavage, Cleavage, Cleavage. Show the goods. 50% of a resume is on your chest whether you’re male or female or anything in between.
Step 20: Comment on how nice the interviewer looks but don’t be overly complimentary, avoid comparisons to large animals or mammals, “You look like a sea manatee in that dress”, although obviously meant as a compliment, might somehow be misinterpreted in an interview setting (they’re the most majestic creatures of the sea, lighten up Jim!).
Step 21: Have a few tricks up your sleeve, employers love magic.
Step 22: No Littering. If you must throw garbage on the floor during the interview, make sure to pick it up on your way out.
Step 23: Don’t get too comfortable. No redecorating, smoking or trying to fix things (you start adjusting a crooked painting, next thing you know the whole building is on fire). Also, be sure not leave any embarrassing or incriminating things behind (personal diaries, finger prints, murder weapons etc.).
Step 23.5: No smoking? I know what you’re thinking; smoking looks cool, calms my nerves and gives me false confidence. I couldn’t agree more, that’s why about halfway through the interview, I discretely put a big dip of chewing tobacco in my mouth. This should give you a nice buzz to ride until the interview is over. If not, put more in. Be sure to bring something to spit in, I always use an empty 20oz Diet Mt. Dew bottle, make sure that it’s Diet, makes you seem health conscious.
Step 24: No passing notes (Do you wanna hire me? Yes, No, Maybe).
Step 25: Everybody loves a good prank. However, is a job interview the right place for playing a hilarious prank? It’s tough to say, and it’s a high stakes game. Use your best judgment, but I think it’s safe to say a prank is a good idea. Remember, some people like getting pranked more than others. But can you really pass up a great opportunity for a classic prank? (no).
Step 26: Live in the moment.
Step 27: Be creative. A job interview is a perfect opportunity to show off your creative side. Think outside the box, what’s never been done in an interview before? Try that. Show up on stilts, show your patriotism with a few fireworks, bring you cat (s), wear more than one suit, wear a funny hat, gauge your ears really big, bring a nice gift, these people interview a lot of candidates, you need to stick out. That prank is sounding better and better every second.
Step 28: Hygiene is important. Take a nice long bath 3 or 4 days before the interview.
Step 29: A lot of people ask me, “Is a job interview a good place to break-dance?” Of course it is. An interview is a time for you to showcase your talents. If you can break-dance, break-dance your heart out. Do the worm around their desk until you cannot breathe. Set yourself apart from all the other candidates that don’t know how to break-dance, or aren’t quite as good as you.
Step 30: Can’t break-dance? Tough luck getting hired in this economy, even so, try something else, if you know a good joke, tell an off colored non-racial joke, if you can make balloon animals, make them several of their favorite animal, never tried break-dancing? Maybe you’re really good at it, give it a shot.
Step 31: Be sure to get a nice solid base tan before the interview, this goes without saying.
Step 32: If you get nervous, pretend the interviewer is in their underwear. If for some reason they are in their underwear, imagine them in YOUR underwear. Still nervous? Fake a seizure and call it a day.
Step 33: Soak it all in. Look around, it will all be over before you know it.
Step 34: If it’s a job interview you got from Craigslist, make sure it is in a safe location. Don’t agree to meet up in the sewers at midnight for some job that sounds too good to be true. Trust me, there’s no such thing as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Internship, and yes, it stinks down there (I trusted you Jim!).
Step 35: So your interviewer is a very attractive woman. No biggie, don’t sweat it. Try not to accidentally call her mom. If you do call her mom, act like you call everyone mom. (I love you Mom!)
Step 36: Leave a good tip (15-20%). Staple a few dollars to the back of the resume to show your appreciation. Service was terrible? No tip! With a party of six or more? Well, then your stuck with an automatic 18% and that’s just the way it goes.
Step 37: If the interview isn’t going well, ask to settle it over arm wrestling. Be sure you are really good at arm wrestling beforehand.
Step 38: If the interviewer makes a joke, be sure to laugh extra hard, if you have anything in your mouth, spit it out, water, milk, tobacco, etc. Bonus if you can get it to come out of your nose.
Step 39: YOLO
Step 40: Cover up any visible inappropriate tattoos. Don’t wear a tank top if you have a giant tattoo of a snake smoking salvia on your shoulder.
Step 40.5 But I look really good in tank tops! No problem, just wear a stylish turtleneck under your favorite tank.
Step 41: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. (I hate you Jim, that job mean everything to me!!!)
Step 42: Make sure your resume is up to date. Show you are tech savvy by including a wide variety of emojis (Under experience you put down an emoji of a girl in a red dress? You’re hired!).
Step 43: Try to avoid eating full meals during the interview.
Step 43.5: If you absolutely must eat during the interview, and you probably will, bring the right snack. Chips are too noisy, party subs are too big, pistachios are distracting, and sunflower seeds are too messy (unless you still have your spitting bottle handy, if so, then spit away). If not, then a banana is probably your best bet. It is a great source of potassium so you won’t cramp up (especially after all that break dancing). Plus, a banana doesn’t have a noisy wrapper, just peel it very slowly. Slower. Also, unlike noisy potato chips, the banana is flaccid, moist, and easy to swallow whole. In fact, I recommend slowly consuming 4-5 bananas during every interview, it shows you can afford lots of bananas and they could come in handy for your prank.
Step 44: Location, Location, Location. Make sure your tie is in the right location (around your neck).
Step 45: Make eye contact, or eye glasses, whichever the job requires.
Step 45.5: Accept defeat. So you didn’t get hired, big deal, that job was stupid and it wasn’t for you. They wouldn’t know a qualified candidate if it bit them in the ass (or slapped their ass repeatedly). Oh well, there are plenty more jobs in the sea (boat captain, pirate, manatee etc.). Don’t get down on yourself, being unemployed is fun, and before you know it we’ll all be dead anyway, especially without health insurance (see you in hell Jim!).