Everyone thinks dogs with three legs are cute, so why does everybody freak out when I start cutting one off.
I’m getting a tattoo on my bicep, it’s the Chinese symbol for barbed wire.
I don’t yell at my dog when he drinks out of the toliet, because I’m not a hypocrite.
Which game was better for Sega Genesis, NBA Jam or WNBA Layup?
I think my girlfriend is going into labor! She’s combing words together and replacing the missing letters with apostrophes, more frequently.
If my cell phone isn’t wearing a shirt or shoes, will it still get service?
I don’t think I’d be very good at kidnapping children, because I hate sharing my candy.
I bet the Continental breakfast used to be super before Pangaea broke up.
My roommate just adopted a dog from the pound, and the dog has the same name as my girlfriend, so as you can imagine when she comes over there is some confusion, because now there’s two fat bitches named Precious there on all fours.
I once hooked up with two girls at the same time, but one of them was a little person, so I think technically it was a 2.5 some.
I lost my virginity on the night of senior prom, in the drunk tank showers after my DUI. It was just like I always imagined.
I love how certain songs can take you back to a very specific place and time in your life. Like every time I hear the song Love Shack by the B52’s I’m immediately transported back to that time I had sex with my neighbor in his tool shed. And every time I hear the song YMCA by the Village People, it reminds me of the YWCA in our village where I had sex with my neighbor in the shower. The power of music!
I forgot I had a red wine stain on my Planned Parenthood sweatpants, that’s probably why everyone at the liquor store was staring at me. Because I looked fabulous.
Why did that blind man puke after he touched my face?
None of my friends complimented me on my new haircut, why am I spending $20 on the “Ben Affleck,” if no ones even going to notice?!?!
I turned down sex with a woman tonight; the porn I was watching was way too loud.
When you have a cold and you’re lonely, you go through a lot of tissues.
It may be dark and scary in my room, but at least I don’t have to sleep alone (there are ghosts in my bed).
I like my ice cubes like I like my hopes and dreams: crushed.
Valentine’s Day Shopping List:
1 White Versace Belt
6 Bottles of White Wine
5 Tubes of Extra Strength Lube.
1 Copy of Bridal Monthly
1 Copy of Ebony Magazine
1 Stepping Stool
1 Life Alert Bracelet
1 Autographed Copy of “Auto-erotic Asphyxiation for Dummies.”
When my mom started working the night shift at CVS, I jokingly told her, “Don’t quit your day job,” because we desperately needed the income.
If only one person “likes” the photo of your newborn baby on Facebook, was it really worth having?
Sadly, prejudice is still part of society today. Did you know that in some countries, pregnant women still aren’t allowed to ride roller coasters?
I’m a painter. I mostly do nude paintings. For example, I painted my garage while I was completely naked.