Brain Cum



Ask me anything  

My First Online Dating Experience

Walking side by side on the beach, the sun gently setting in the west, we reach out to hold each other’s hands, our hearts start racing, nervously shaking and palms sweating, our heads turn and our eyes meet, a shy smile, we both blush, I have an impure thought, a swarm of bats fly over head, she screams, a black cat walks in front of us, it’s head spins 360 degrees around as it lets out a terrifying low-pitch sound, she cries and runs away, we both contract painful STDs and die alone.

I never hear from her again : (

madelinebestesart:

612 in B + W

Our city has never looked better. Thanks madelinebestesart!

madelinebestesart:

612 in B + W

Our city has never looked better. Thanks madelinebestesart!

Reblogged from madelinebestesart
madelinebestesart:

stone arch bridge in minneapolis

Sooooo pretty.

madelinebestesart:

stone arch bridge in minneapolis

Sooooo pretty.

Reblogged from madelinebestesart
madelinebestesart:

meanwhile
in the outskirts of mpls

This is by my favorite artist of all time. Follow her and check out her other amazing work!

madelinebestesart:

meanwhile

in the outskirts of mpls

This is by my favorite artist of all time. Follow her and check out her other amazing work!

My Perfect Funeral

A lot of girls day dream about their perfect wedding, the perfect dress (wedding), the perfect flowers (pretty), the perfect first song (Cotton Eye Joe), and the perfect shuffle board (regulation size).  They have every little detail planned out before they even meet Mr. Right or Mrs. Wright. I’ve never cared much for weddings (I’m terrible at shuffle board), but if I ever do meet someone, I’d like a small modest ceremony on a tropical beach and to be airlifted by a helicopter off into the sunset. But I don’t know if I’ll ever get married (always a bridesmaid), but one thing I know for sure is (weather permitting), I’m going to die someday, and when I do it’s going to be perfect (no longer the pallbearer, finally the corpse). 
Because when you die, you get a funeral, and you can’t spell funeral without out Real Fun, and if you can make an anagram out of a word, it has to be true.

When you think about it, funerals are a lot like a wedding, only with more crying, less dancing, and someone you loved has died. But death is nothing to fear. I wasn’t afraid of being born, so why should I be afraid to be unborn? No matter what the afterlife holds, it has to be better than my mom’s cramped uterus, give me my dad’s testicles any day of the week! When I die, I think I will be ready, I’ll be like, okay I guess I’m dying, big deal, peace out earth, then I’ll float up to heaven looking cool as hell wearing nothing but my soul (weather permitting).

But before my soul can truly be at peace, I have to have the PERFECT funeral. I can see it now, all my friends will be gathered there just for me! Nobody’s going to steal my thunder today, I’ll say to my dead self. Everyone will be super sad and all eyes will be on me, and with the extra 50 bucks that I tip the mortician, hopefully they will make me look like a million ($50) bucks. As my Will stipulates, I want one of my eyes glued down, so it looks like I’m winking, I want my lips pursed together making the duck face, and maybe have my hands propped up doing finger guns or one reaching out for a pound, the other a high five, still haven’t decided yet. 

As many of you know, it has always been my dream to be cremated, but because of my fear of burning skulls, I will only have my bottom torso cremated, that way I can still have an open casket, and I can fill the bottom half of the casket with some of my prized possessions, my high school wrestling jacket, my high school wrestling trophies, and my college wrestling participation ribbons. I would like half of my ashes to be spread (use a knife) over the top of my grave plot, the other half I would like to be placed inside of a pinata that looks like me. The pinata should be hanging from the ceiling of the church and lowered down at the end of the ceremony for all the kids to take turns hitting with a bat (kids get bored at funerals), and I would like any remaining ashes to be stored in a special tray designed specifically for ashes (I forget what they’re called), please have this “ash tray” cremated on my one year death anniversary. Those ashes can be thrown away or recycled, doesn’t really matter to me, I’ll be dead. 

After my funeral pinata has been destroyed and the kids are done fighting over my ashes, it’s time for some magic. Every good funeral has a magician, please find the best one available as funeral magicians tend to vary in quality. The magician will also be lowered down from the church ceiling (ideally no one will notice he’s been hanging up there), it would be cool if there could be some fire shooting out of my casket for his entrance, just be sure my skull doesn’t start on fire! The magician will start with a joke, “I will know perform the most difficult trick of all, bringing this man back to life.” At that moment whoever is running sound will hit the button that triggers a spring in my coffin to propel my body upwards (oh yeah, make sure to install a button triggered spring in my coffin). This will be pretty funny because everyone loves magic, and some people might momentarily think I’ve came back to life (especially the children). After my body is placed back down, the magician will then saw my casket in half. If he wants to do it magically, that cools, or he can just saw my casket in half because I’m dead/don’t have a bottom torso, just be sure not to ding any of my trophies!

Hopefully the magic show will be a hit, if people look visibly upset, have him wrap up early. All that magic and or crying will definitely make people hungry. Instead of regular boring funeral food, I will serve spaghetti, I don’t really feel like I need to explain this one. It just makes sense. Please also put a plate of spaghetti in my coffin in case they don’t have spaghetti in the afterlife. 

Once everyone eats their fill of spaghetti (sorry, no seconds), I want my coffin to be wheeled back in and propped up vertically so people can take one last picture with me. There will hopefully be some fun photo props available, so get creative! Once you take a photo, people will be encouraged to sign my casket and also leave a small cash donation (dig deep people) directly into my coffin (in case they don’t take traveler’s checks in the afterlife). I will also have a merch booth set up here where people can buy commemorative t-shirts and coffee mugs from my funeral, they can also get their picture with the casket on a key chain for only $10! (what a deal!) This is high quality, limited edition merchandise people, take the shirt for example, Front of shirt reads: I Survived The FUNeral Service, Back of shirt: Unlike Some People! {picture of my corpse}. They make great gifts and are good for any occasion, especially other funerals. I’m really looking to sell a lot of merchandise, as my children’s future depends on it. 
 
Once all the merchandise is sold out, everyone will proceed to the graveyard. I have arranged for my tombstone to read, “YOLO” and next to it the Emoji that most resembles me at the time of my death, followed by the ghost Emoji, so people know that I’m dead. At this point I would like to have my parents say a few words about how cool I was as a son. Then my grandparents will probably want to say a few words, and then finally my great grand parents (if they can get off work) will tell a cool story about something great that I did during my life (if I haven’t done anything great, make something up). Then, and this next part is really important, I want Sting to sing Amazing Grace as my casket is lowered into the ground. If you can’t get Sting, please get The Police. If for some reason you can’t get all of The Police to reunite, just get Sting. As my casket is lowering, have the magician use his best judgement and maybe hit the spring button one more time, just to get my monies worth. Be sure to close my casket before pouring dirt on me! Once the dirt is set, everyone is free to go. Be sure to Like my funeral on Facebook, and use the Instagram hashtag #GoneButNotForgotten #NoFilter. Thanks for coming, and maybe I’ll see you in the afterlife!
 
*ABSOLUTELY NO REFUNDS ON FAULTY OR BROKEN MERCHANDISE

11 Surefire Ways to Punch Up Your Comedy Script

Writing a movie script is hard. Like really hard. Like, you are going to need at least a few hours and some really good concentration. Now you say you want that script to be funny, well, that’s going to be even harder pal (budget a few more hours). But with a few helpful tips, you can turn your boring movie about a professor, into a hilarious box office hit about a Nutty Professor.

1. It is important to develop a catch phrase that your main character will repeat throughout the film. It doesn’t necessarily have to be funny, but it has to be a phrase you can catch, like “Oh No you DIDN’T!” or “Dinner’s ready!”.  The more your character repeats it, the funnier it gets (also a great way to add some pages to the script). If you can’t think of your own catch phrase, just recycle a classic like, “Wasssssssssupppp?”, “Did I do that?” or “Welcome to Jurassic Park”. No one will even notice.

2. If nothing funny has happened for a few minutes, have one of the characters fart. Have the fart stink real bad, so it’s funnier. I know the audience can’t smell the fart (how funny would that be!), but by the characters reactions, we will know that it’s a real stinker. Maybe add some stink lines in post. But make sure it’s a real fart, no sound effects, impose some method acting, so you get a real performance, people can tell when it’s fake, and it’s just not as funny.


3. If you are running low on laughs/ideas, maybe add an animal to the script. Everybody loves animals, dogs, dolphins, monkeys, orangutangs, chimpanzees, gibbons, bonobos, apes, gorillas, etc.  Animals are cute, the scene writes it self, also, if you could have that animal fart, that would be hilarious. Be sure to pan to the animal’s face afterward and have the animal have a bewildered look on his face like, “what was that?” God that’s funny! There is really no cinematic effect quite as powerful as the tension breaking hilarity of an animal farting. Again, make sure the animal really farts, we’re not looking for cheap laughs, this is art.

4. Has your script hit a dull point? Not to worry, a sure fire way to get back on the laugh track is to apply a carefully choreographed shot to the groin of your film’s antagonist. There is literally nothing funnier than somebody taking a hit to the nuts. Especially if it’s to a disagreeable character. It’s funny because it is an unpleasant experience. Maybe have the character go cross eyed, then grab his groin, and fall over. Hahaha, can you imagine? It’s hilarity is universal, it transcends any language or cultural barrier. You see somebody get hit in the balls, you laugh, it’s what makes us human, it’s what separates us from the animals.


4.5 Speaking of animals, if you could have an animal kick a character in the testies, you might take home an Oscar. Again, the character really has to get hit in the nuts. No protection should be worn. There is nothing funny about protection. I want to hear the character’s testicles getting pounded. If the actor isn’t in pain, there is no comedic gain.


5. Have you written yourself into a corner? Do you need a new character to add some exposition and a few laughs? Well, you’re in luck, because there is nothing funnier than a man (get this) dressed up (wait for it) as a woman. Are you laughing yet? Well you should be, because having a man dress up as a woman is hilarious. Because men normally wear men’s clothes and act like men, but when you have a male character that dresses like a woman, it is a novelty that literally cannot run out of steam. Even Shakespeare would have young men play the female roles, because he understood comedy.


6. Three words: Fat suit. Fat Suit. Fat Suit. Have the character wear a fat suit. And I’m not talking about Average American fat, I’m talking about pushing 500 or 600lbs. That’s really fat. Comically fat you might say. Oh I’ll say it!


7. This ones simple: A guy, dressed as a girl, wearing a fat suit. Did I just shatter you funny bone? I’m sorry. A really really fat lady, but it’s a guy. LOL for sure!


8. Don’t let the film go more than a few minutes without a laugh. If people aren’t laughing, they’re bored. Even if the scene doesn’t call for it, or it doesn’t make sense, have something wacky happen. Have a bear dancing, have an old person rap, have a burglar get hit with a paint can. Don’t be lazy. Your movie is worth it.


9. Let’s face it, making a movie isn’t cheap (six bucks for a Medium Popcorn??), but that doesn’t mean you need a big budget for every laugh. I’m not entirely sure why this is funny, but have a white person who is talking to a black person say, “For shizzle.” White people don’t know what “For Shizzle” means, but black people do, that’s why this is so funny. Misinterpreting someone else’s culture is a time tested comedic gold mine.


10. Comedy is all in the timing, be sure to have a stop watch on set at all times.


11. They say tragedy + time = comedy for a reason. My mother died ten years ago, and now it’s hilarious (miss you Mom!). Why not poke fun at some tragedy that has passed. Reminder: it is very important that enough time has passed since the tragedy happened, for example the Civil War is funny, but the War on Drugs is not funny. The plague is super funny, but me getting a parking ticket last month is not funny at all. Use your best judgement.

See, that wasn’t so hard. Now you should have all the material you need for a cinematic masterpiece. I can hear the movie patrons ROTFL already. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you at the movies!

Had a pretty good Christmas this year.

Had a pretty good Christmas this year.

Everything you ever needed to know about sex in seven seconds (the length of one sex act).

Daddies make the best Mommies. 

Daddies make the best Mommies. 

And all those opposed to eating horse meat [Neigh!]

I dreamt about my appetite again last night, it was another whet dream.

My Last Will and Testament states that if I’m ever unable to jerk off, pull the plug. If there isn’t a plug, chop my head off.

I accidentally got my testicles caught in my zipper today. That’s the last time I wear boots with zippers!

I never peel my string cheese, I just stick it right up my butt as is.

This one is called: Love thy neighbor (Neighborhood Watch)

This one is called: Love thy neighbor (Neighborhood Watch)

This one is called: The grass is always greener

This one is called: The grass is always greener

This one is called: We need more power bottoms (argh, argh, argh)

This one is called: We need more power bottoms (argh, argh, argh)

Tales of Abstinence

Our eye glasses clink together as our foreheads touch, the rubber bands on our braces intertwine as we kiss, our chastity belts scrape against each other as we dry hump, sparks are flying, the couch catches fire, we burn alive. #Passion

Shaq History Month!

Shaq History Month!

Payday Loans by Fast Payday
Bad credit payday loans online